So Much More Than Nothing
by MyimmortalHadenXCharm
Summary: When Gin suddenly reappears, what can Kira do? Will he go with the man who left him in pieces, all to satisfy some broken fantasy of having a family and marrying some stupid prince that he knew had never existed? Gin-Ichimaru x Izuru Kira Possible Mpreg, and Smut.
1. Chapter 1

Izuru Kira wept.

The sun shone as it went down over the hills, lighting up dust in the air as it fought with itself. A lavender scented candle trailed smoke as it was puffed out from the light breeze. Floorboards were clawed up under the bed, laying strewn on the ground.

Wabisuke lay on the floor, glinting in the last rays of the day, half covered with the mess of blankets that was piling over the edge of the futon.

The Third-squad's lieutenant clutched the a piece of white fabric to his face, choking as he tried to inhale the familiar smooth, musty scent of his Taichou. He couldn't breathe, couldn't bring in enough air to taste the smell in the back of his throat.

His fingers shook as he held it over his mouth and nose, shuddering and sobbing. Kira curled tighter in on himself and wrapped the haori around him like a blanket, pressing his cheek into the shoulder.

He was pathetic; pitiful. He knew that he was. He knew that he should just get over it and be strong. He knew he should be like Hisagi was for Tousen, and just put up a front, and be strong for everyone. He knew he should be like Rangiku and not talk about it unless he was completely drunk.

He didn't want to turn into Hinamori, to lose his mind. He knew he should just get over it.

Somehow, he knew that he just wasn't ready for that yet.

Hot tears rolled down his cheeks, shame boiling in his stomach as his fingers tightened further.

Before they had taken Ichimaru-Taicho's belongings from his office, Kira had entered his Captain's quarters, and searched his closet, raided the drawers, for the spare haori that he knew was there. The one that Gin had said that he had lost, just to get on Yamamoto-Sotaicho's nerves.

There had still been a silver hair on the inside of the lining when Kira had first found it.

He closed his eyes, and gasped for breath as a familiar jaw angled itself over that slim shoulder, smiling back at him, moving as the words came like they used to, _Let's go Izuru.__  
_

If he listened hard enough he could trick himself into hearing footsteps outside his room; the slow, quiet, and sneaky footsteps of his fox-faced Captain. The slight pause they'd make as the stepped over the creaky board, and continued on.

His heart ached as he continued to draw the face in his mind. The sleek silver hair, the frail body, the smooth voice.

His Captain had always been a tall man, but his uniform had made him appear bigger than he was. His hakama and haori were large, giving the illusion that he wasn't quite so thin.

His feet and hands were the only indication of his body's true condition; long and slender. Skinny ankles and wrists would remind Kira of how frail his Captain appeared. He never forgot though, the strength in that body, that in every inch of packed lean muscle lay the potential for utter destruction.

Even as Kira remembered the betrayal, the way Ichimaru rose up next to Kaname and Sousuke into the zip in the sky, into the dimension that was only showing a peek of itself, the faces of Gillian's looking out, Even as he remembered that he couldn't think badly of his Captain. He couldn't be angry with him, or think a single malicious thought towards him. All he could do was try to survive this sorrow.

He couldn't be angry like Hisagi, or deny it like Rangiku. He couldn't move on.

Gin Ichimaru would always be his Taichou.

When he thought backwards and remembered, He would always remember him that way. As his Taichou.

Not as the man who had beat him, not as the man who betrayed his trust and everyone elses, not as the man who scared the daylights out of everyone. As the man who told him he loved him.

He'd remember him that way forever. The way he had been as Aizen's lieutenant.

When he had first tricked him into meeting him for lunch and then kissed him over his bento. When he hadn't laughed at his nervousness, and simply smiled at him as he stuttered and fumbled his words.

He wouldn't remember the bruises or the blood, he would remember the times they had walked under the sakura trees, blossoms sticking to eachother's skin and hair as they held hands. The way Ichimaru would invite him to his office and then help him climb out the window and onto the roof; They would watch the stars for hours.

He wouldn't remember the sharp fingernails or the way they stung when they bit into his skin, he would remember they way the soft hands stroked his hair and his cheeks. The way Gin had been nervous sounding as he took Kira to his office and showed him his new Captain's uniform and gave him his silver, paper-wrapped birthday present with the tag that read 'Izuru-chan'. The way Gin had watched him anxiously, smile absent as he opened the box to reveal the small piece of metal inside, the thing that would bind them completely, in the workplace and in the home. The way his new Taichou's hands had been so gentle as he tied the lieutenant's badge to Kira's shoulder, almost as one would present and put on an engagement ring.

He wouldn't remember the ache in his backside, or the stitches he had to get after he limped to the fourth division, he would remember the way Ichimaru-Taichou had used to hold him and kiss every inch of his skin, the way his Captain's uniform had swallowed Kira's whole body as he writhed beneath him. The way Gin would lay in bed with him until nine thirty the next morning and let him run his hands over the smooth plane of his back and stroke his silver hair.

He wouldn't remember the way his name had sounded rolling off of that bloody tongue, he would remember that his Taichou was the only person who ever really called him by his first name routinely. He remembered how his name sounded when Gin was on the edge, the way it would be gasped and moaned, how his name would sound like heaven at that moment.

He wouldn't remember the embarrassment he had felt as he realized that everyone knew that he and Gin were together, or the questions of whether or not Gin could truly care about him. He would remember the way Rangiku always told him when they drank together that he had better not hurt Gin because he was completely smitten with him and that she had never seen anything like it before.

He wouldn't remember the way he had been spat on and left to bleed over night, he would remember the sweet words, and the soft kisses, and the way the squinting eyes would part only for him. The way Gin trusted Izuru enough to show his true self, to open the doorway to his soul. The eyes opened slowly, as the man they belonged to gave away something precious.

His true smile.

Izuru would always be brought to tears when he thought of that smile. Not the grin that was permanently stuck on his face, but the true smile, the one he wore when he was feeling elated, shy or amused.

Izuru would always be left in pieces when he thought of those eyes. The color that no one knew was there. The things he had lost. He would always miss them.

He missed them even as he thought of when their relationship had turned down. When everything had started going sour.

He hadn't understood. He had been so confused about what had turned his sweet and loving koibito into the sadistic and slimy monster he had become. There hadn't been a change in their lifestyle; they were happy as Captain and Lieutenant. There hadn't been an affair on. There hadn't been drugs or alcohol. The only change, had been Gin.

He knew that everyone had always felt uncomfortable with Gin around, that they thought his grin was intimidating and that he was always watching them, that he was capable of truly sadistic violence. Kira had known they were wrong as he smiled back at his silver-haired lover, those slender fingers moving his blonde bangs out of his eyes.

He had always known that they were _wrong_.

But then Gin had started to get more malicious, the teasing wasn't lighthearted, the kisses turned to bites, the sex grew bloody, and there was no more affection, no more promises.

Kira loved Gin so, that he was not willing to leave him for this, and had taken it as punishment. He would stick by Gin until he saw the light again, even if he got hurt along the way. Anything for his Taichou.

For years he had thought that it was because of something he'd done. Something he wasn't doing right, something he wasn't doing well enough, or something he wasn't doing at all. He thought that if he stayed and showed his loyalty, that if he tried to redeem himself that Gin would love him again.

If he could just _show_ him how much he loved him, then Gin would have to love him still. Things would go back to the way they were. Gin would hold him like he used to, and smile at him.

Kira would always love Gin.

He loved him when he was kissing his cheek sweetly with an "I love you, Kira Izuru," and he loved him when he was bringing him to tears because his nails were dug in too deep, licking blood off of his already scarred back. He loved him through bad and good, just as any good lover would. He wouldn't give up on him just because things were getting tougher, he kept telling himself that, even as he found he couldn't walk when he woke up one morning because the pain in his legs and rear was so intense.

He knew now, that Gin's change in demeanor began when Aizen had started plotting to betray the Seireitei, when Gin had first joined his group. Those plans had changed his koi into someone who would destroy him with a smile still on his face.

Aizen had planned it all to the last letter.

He had single-handedly destroyed three squads, leaving them with broken lieutenants and no Captains.

Shuhei's loyalty to Tousen had left him blind and alone. Hisagi was left bitter and betrayed.

Momo's adoration to Aizen had left her in desperation and denial. Hinamori was left in a cell where she couldn't hurt herself.

Izuru's love for Gin had left him devastated and lost. Kira was left alone.

People didn't talk about Ichimaru-Taichou in front of him. They didn't make references to him. They pretended as though he never existed, as if this would help Kira more than talking about it. They looked at him as though he might shatter, or have a break down like Momo at any given moment.

They didn't understand that he wasn't like Hisagi. He wasn't bitter or angry. They didn't get that he wasn't like Momo. He wasn't blind off of adoration. They didn't get that his heart had broken.

Rangiku knew. She had told him that Gin loved him so much. That what they had had been real, that they had been in love.

But she also told him that you could fall in love with people who are bad for you.

She would pat his back, avoiding the places where she knew his scars were, and then gave up and held him close, telling him that he should've asked for help sooner, that he should've confronted somebody, anything-

But as much as the scars still tingled, as much as the bruises ached and the words Gin had said still stung in his mind, he would never forget the warm touches and sweet things said to him. He would never forget the good even as the bad swallowed it.

He would never let go of the hope that his Captain would return, and somehow convince everyone that this was all a horrible misunderstanding. He waited even as Amagai replaced his Taichou and moved into his office. He would always wait. Gin had promised to never leave him, that he would always return. He had said that he loved him.

He would wait. He would wait forever.

If he had to, he would beg.

Fingers curled around the 'san' symbol on the back of the Captain's haori, clutching it to the racking and heaving chest. His throat cleared as his crying finally ceased. The smell hit the back of his throat and he could feel that presence again and hear footsteps pause outside his door.

Izuru Kira wept.

* * *

**-AN** I know there was no action in this chapter, but do you want me to continue? Cause I will. This is one of those 'Gin returns and wisps Kira away to Hueco Mundo so they can be together and have lots of babies' Fics.

Continue, or stand alone?


	2. Chapter 2

Gin Ichimaru closed the door to his room, his smile thin.

He remembered the day that he, Sousuke and Kaname had departed Seireitei. So many things had gone through his mind. Fear, anticipation, excitement, amusement, anxiety, apprehension, but most of all...

Regret.

It twisted in his gut and knotted in his throat. The smile slipped off his face as he thought of it.

The sad tired blue eyes of his Fukutaicho shone dully in his mind. Gin sank down onto the bed wearily, ankles shaking, placing his head in his hands.

Tears flowed from Kira's sweet candy eyes and sniffling echoing through thin paper walls of his mind. The blonde bowed his head, hair covering his sparkling eyes as he knelt, shoulders drooping.

Gin's smile spread over his face, growing bitter and angry. He grit his teeth in his ire, smile reaching the very edges of his cheeks. He felt sick as he felt the laugh in the back of his throat.

Why did he always smile when he was feeling his absolute worse? Was it because he had learned to hide his sadness? Was it to trick himself into feeling happy? Why smile when all was lost?

He laughed once.

Because it was so very funny.

'_Why hurt the one you love most? Why would you make your sweetheart bleed?'_

His fingers dug into the bed, stomach clenching. His fingers would forever be stained with blood. Blood that only Kira could kiss away.

He could just imagine the crisp white sheets bleeding red, and sticky, and warm, waves of iron and salt rising into the air. Blood spattering the walls and window sills and doorknobs. Blood in between his fingers and on his face and on his lips.

His hands fisted. He could feel his nails against his palms through the sheets.

_'But if I held out my hands again, could you kiss them like you did yesterday? Could I say I love you with this same mouth that has cursed you time and time again?'_

Gin's smile still grew, becoming even more agitated and distressed as he thought of how forgiving his Izuru had always been.

But would he forgive him this? Could he?

_'Could anyone?_' Rangiku definitely hadn't. His best, dearest, closest friend.

The slight quake as Izuru cried beneath him returned to his memory, as did the black and red mess that was his lover's back after the last time they'd been intimate.

The price he had paid to join Aizen's group was heavy. It had cost Izuru so much.

'Permanently disable squad's Five and Three. With both Taicho and Fukutaicho gone from each, they will not recover. Squad Nine will be crippled.'

Aizen had made Hinamori become infatuated with him. Sousuke insisted that there was a difference between being in love and an infatuation. Gin had always just rolled his eyes internally.

Gin had destroyed Izuru in as many ways that he knew how, trying to force Kira to break their bond, loving him all the while. Rangiku had always told Gin that he showed love in the wrong ways.

But Gin knew.

He knew, he _knew_ that he couldn't take Kira with him to Hueco Mundo, couldn't destroy his fukutaicho's reputation. He had to find a way to force Kira to stay in Seireitei, and to make Kira _hate_ him. He didn't want anyone to think that Kira was involved with their scheme.

He knew that Kira would side with him no matter what. He couldn't have that.

Slowly, Gin relaxed from his constant squinting and let his smile disappear, opening his eyes fully. His fingers shook as they fisted in his fine silver hair.

_I love you, Kira Izuru. _The line rang back to him from long ago.

Nausea curled in his stomach. He had taken his own fists to his sweetheart. How could he do that? How could he lay hands on, how could he _hurt_ his very own sweetheart? How could he say that he loved Kira with the same tongue that commanded Shinsou?

Kira had been a jewel. He had loved his captain even though he scared everyone else. Even though he left him with all the paperwork. Even though he wasn't exempt from his practical jokes. He still loved his captain anyway.

_'Do you love me still?'_

He would ask that each time, after he had hurt Kira deeper and deeper. The answer was always the same, no matter what he did. And each time, his heart broke a little more.

He was failing.

He was failing more and more with each _'I do, Taichou'._ He was failing. He was failing to protect his treasure.

Aizen's plan was to keep Kira attached to Gin, to have him and Momo so psychologically dependent on both of them that they would go catatonic when their captains left. Gin couldn't have that. He just couldn't.

_'Incapacitate Kira; Momo is taken care of. She won't recover my absence.'_

Gin's heart had wrung its hands. Izuru hadn't stopped loving him yet. He needed more time. He need Izuru to hate him.

It would make it so much easier to leave, if Kira hated him.

If he didn't have anything to lose.

He had given it one last try, one last try to get Kira to leave him.

He had beat him and pounded into him far too hard, clawed his skin open and left long red divets in his back that would leave scars. He kept telling himself that this would be the time where Kira would tell him that he had gone too far and that he couldn't be with him anymore.

And his heart ached at the prospect.

But He never heard them. Kira never left him.

The blonde struggled off the floor on shaking bloody elbows and had weakly gripped Gin's ankle.

_'Stay with me... Taicho.' _He would say, falling unconscious from hypovolemic shock. Blood was thick and warm and sticky on the tatami floor, getting under the mats and into the cracks in the floorboards, and into the molding and even in the dust in the corners. Bloody fingermarks were clawed on the walls.

He hadn't wanted Kira to be too weak to go on without him. He didn't want him attached. He wanted him to be able to get better. He wanted Izuru to lift his head, lift his head with Wabisuke in hand, blood and hate in his eyes.

He wanted Kira to be able to say to him one day, '_Lift your head, Wabisuke', _and to fight him as an enemy. He wanted it even if his own heart broke.

Gin couldn't love Kira anymore. He just couldn't. And his Izuru couldn't love him back anymore. They couldn't be sweethearts anymore. They had to stop before it was too late.

He didn't know what to do to make Izuru want to leave him. Nothing worked. Not beating him, not swearing at him, not scaring him. Nothing.

Even as Aizen had told him that he had done wonderfully, and that the Third squad would be devastated, his heart ached. He had failed. Izuru would still miss him. He had failed.

He failed everyone he cared about.

'_I'm gonna repay ya' both. That's why I gotta do this. Because I love ya' so much.'_ He would destroy Aizen and make a safe world for Kira and Rangiku. He would have his revenge. Even if it cost him his opportunities elsewhere.

Gin's fingers shook as he rid himself of his sandals, pulling his knees to his chest. Las Noches was so very cold when you were alone. So very cold. Everything was white, cold stone. Just like Aizen's heart.

It was so very cold here.

The memories rushed around him. He blinked, eyes glinting.

His heart had frozen in his chest when Aizen had first told him of what needed to be done in preparation. By then it had been too late to back out and he had gone through with it.

He plotted against his koibito.

He beat him, he gave him extra work hours as fukutaicho and all the Captain's paperwork, he drank too much and left Izuru's semen and blood stained uniforms in the commons area for everyone to see, He did everything he could, trying to work against Aizen's plan in his own way, to get Izuru to leave him, to find someone else and be strong without him.

The more he did those things, however, the more Izuru became biddable and submissive. Instead of rebelling and raising his head, it bowed forward, bangs covering his face in shame.

Gin couldn't stop loving Izuru though, even as he buried himself in Aizen's plotting, planning to take Kira with him, to spirit him away.

He grew obsessed, thinking of ways to sneak Kira in, ways to persuade Aizen to allow him to stay, ways to make sure Seireitei would treat Kira as a victim, and not another traitor.

He couldn't stop thinking now, He couldn't stop his bitter smile as he tore his nails and teeth into Izuru's skin and his heart. He couldn't stop imagining the life that they would now never have. He couldn't stop remembering the way Izuru had used to touch his frail ugly body, and follow him with such conviction.

He couldn't stop loving Izuru Kira. He never would.

Even as he hissed in his ear, licking blood from his back, feeling sick to his stomach. Even as he had held his hand sweetly under the sakura trees. Even as he knelt before Aizen, asking for permission to bring Izuru to Las Noches. He still loved his Izuru. Always.

All that was left now was to go retrieve his broken little fukutaicho. What was left of him.

What would Kira say? Would he be able to look him in the eyes this time and say _'I do, Taichou'_?

He already knew the answer to that.

Gin Ichimaru wept.


	3. Chapter 3

Things were always just fine with Izuru. Everyone knew that. He told them so many times, that they had sure as hell _better_ know by now that he was fine.

He had told them all the same thing.

Nothing was wrong, he was just fine. He was getting by. He was okay. He was alright.

He wasn't dying inside. He wasn't burning, he wasn't crying himself to sleep, or drinking too much. He wasn't getting behind in his work or forgetting his co-workers names. He wasn't, okay?

Everything was fine. _He _was fine.

After they realized that he wasn't going to break the facade, or stop the lying, they had given up and stopped asking.

They had helped in the beginning, but their helpful gestures and kind words had begun to fade as the weeks rolled on. As they moved on from the betrayal, Izuru didn't, and was left behind.

Shuuhei had long since given up, even after he found blood on the razor blades in Kira's bathroom cabinet, and a half-empty glass with cleaning fluid inside. The first time he had fallen back in alarm and shook Kira by the shoulders and shouted, forcing him to throw up the bleach onto the floor. The twentieth time, he had just shook his head and taken his things away. Shuuhei had his own problems to deal with and his own demons to escape.

Yumichika had let him cry into his shoulder even though he knew that Kira would rub snot into his shihakusho; Sometimes he brought flowers as a 'beautiful' gesture and gossipped with him to alleviate some of the dark thoughts. After awhile, he began to tend to Rangiku more, who obviously needed the help more, leaving Izuru to fend for himself.

Ikkaku had taken his sake away, telling him that it wouldn't make him feel better. He ended up drinking the stuff himself, and that was far as his 'help' extended.

Renji had hugged him tightly, but let him deal with it alone like he said that he wanted to.

Momo was dealing with problems of her own.

Rangiku cried with him, but was ultimately too far gone with her alcoholism to do anything but cry and be distant and 'over it' in the morning.

It just wasn't worth the effort anymore for them after a while. _He _wasn't worth the effort.

They tolerated his depression for a few months, understanding his hurt and his anxiety, and sympathized with him. But after awhile they stopped understanding, and were just confused and annoyed that he hadn't gotten over it yet. They didn't understand that he would _never _be over it.

He was alone.

Izuru sobbed.

Footsteps.

_Tap Tap Tap_

They grew closer and closer, but he ignored them, too sensitized to his hallucinations to be hopeful. The phantom footsteps grew slower, and more quiet.

_Tt Tt Creeeakk_

Izuru sniffled, tears leaking out as he heard the rice paper door slide open sideways, and snap into the wall.

_Shhhhh-t_

"Izuru."

His eyes snapped open at the soft whisper, heart freezing. Dare he believe that his taichou had returned? Could he afford the disappointment if he turned around.

His heard was thundering in his ears as he looked at the shadow on his wall, and the light streaming into his bedroom. "Izuruuu." The whisper came more faintly.

He would know that voice anywhere. He would recognize that smile before he would his own hand.

"Tai... cho?" He hiccuped, heart still racing a million miles an hour. He finally drew the courage to turn around. The backlight from the hallway made it impossible to catch a glimpse of the front of the man standing in the doorway.

Izuru stared into blackness once again as the door slid shut with a _click._

_Clat Clat Clat. _Feet pattered acrossed the floor, nearing the bed at an alarming speed.

Bony knees hit the floor next to his bed and a soft warm mass buried itself in his lap. Frail arms tightened around his abdomen as a face hid in his stomach. The shoulders of the man he had idolized for so long, trembled uncontrollably.

"Izuru, my Izuru." That normally smooth voice was watery and cracked. Kira's stomach grew wet, and spindly hands tentatively stroked his skin, gently, as if they expected to be slapped away.

A soggy silver head lifted. Those squinted eyes opened just for him, eyelashes wet, those frail hands shaking as they reached for Kira's face, just short of touching his hair. Izuru's eyes closed, waiting for the familiar gesture that he hadn't felt since they had last sat under the sakura blossoms; Gin's hand gently moving his bangs off his face. He waited, waited a moment more, and then a moment more.

"I... love you... Izuru Kira."

The hand fisted and dropped, just short of touching him; A smile appeared on the fox's face as tears fell from his blue eyes.

"I love you... I _love_ you.." Gin's face crumpled, his brave smile turning into a bitter frown. Kira was alarmed. He hadn't yet seen his Taichou completely lose that grin, until now. Gin scowled, tears dripping down his nose and softly landing on Kira's lap. The silver-haired man clenched his fists, not bothering to wipe his wet cheeks as he knelt before his ex-lieutenant. "I'm so damn sorry." He covered his face with his hands.

"Taichou." Kira pressed his forehead to Gin's shoulder. "_Taichou." _Hands fisted in his former captain's clothes, tight enough to keep the man there with him. Tight enough to keep him from thinking that it was a dream. Enough to make him believe that Gin had come back for him. Like he had always promised.

"I love you, Izuru. Very much I love you." Gin's voice broke, silver forehead coming down as he sunk into a dogeza on the floor, completely submitting before his koibito.

This was all too familiar to Kira. Except now the positions were reversed. It was not Ichimaru forcing him down into the bow by the neck, demanding him to be utterly biddable even as he choked and bled onto the floor, it was Gin begging, prostrate before him, nearly kissing his feet.

Kira looked at him, convinced that this couldn't be his captain, _couldn't_ be. Not this man who was kneeling before him, forehead to the floor, shuddering and _weeping_ for him.

Kira's fingers shook as they reached for the silver hair, half expecting Gin to disappear, to run away from him and never come back this time. He trembled as the smooth strands slid through his fingers just like they used to. Kira drew the thin man off the floor, guiding him into the bed.

Gin's head did not come up, and his shoulder's shook as he pressed his face down in the mattress, half-whimpering in his bow.

"Izuru. Izuru, Izuru Izuru. _Izuru_." The voice was muffled in the futon, but Kira could still hear the sorrow and the quakes in his voice.

Kira put his arms around Gin, inhaling the smooth musty scent that he remembered so well. "Taichou," He breathed, "Taichou..."

Izuru Kira wept.


End file.
